My friends and I, being incredibly cool, sometimes meet up and get drunk. Four or so girls, gathered around Leah’s dining room table, Leah’s mum being the most tolerant of late-night giggling. Me, Leah, Heather, maybe my friend Mary, maybe Leah’s friend Bella. The traditional cooking of stir-fry, followed by Ring of Fire and other drinking games (last night I forgot to bring playing cards, so we drew our own), the table cluttered with peach schnapps, Sourz, various fruity ciders and cans of Tango. Giggling, oversharing, musings about Society, and finally, for a grand climax, we Skype a boy
It could still potentially be cool and racy if we were lesbians, but we’re not.
Anyway, I have recently become incapable of drinking more than a couple of sips of anything fizzy without getting very persistent hiccups. I was sharing a thought about the way men’s and women’s respective sexual responses are preconditioned/fucked up by culture, and thoroughly alarming everyone, when the hiccups kicked in. I excused myself and sat still and quiet, holding my breath and sipping water, which failed to shift them. Then I bethought me that all the methods of getting rid of hiccups – drinking water from the wrong side of the glass, eating spoonfuls of sugar, being frightened – basically work by disrupting one’s breathing patterns, resetting the diaphragm, as it were. Also, there is a psychological element to hiccups. Trying to drink from the wrong side of the glass is likely to make you forget you were ever hiccupping in the first place, which makes them go away.
So I locked in the bathroom and tossed a quick one off. And it worked like a charm. Pre-orgasm, hiccupping away. Post-orgasm…nothing. Blissful diaphragmatic peace.
Society’s pre-determining of male and female sexual response, and my ability to reliably toss one off in a few minutes even when distracted by hiccups, will be the subject of the next post. In the meantime, I do recommend this unorthodox but highly effective way of getting rid of hiccups.